Crazy in Love?
by anonymouseomoninja
Summary: Crazy? Yes. Slightly on the "wtf?" side, actually. Warning, mentions of sex but no details.
1. Ed and Roy

**Ed and Roy**  
by William Shakespeare

_Enter Ed_

_Roy appears above at a window_

**Ed:**  
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?  
It is the coconut, and Roy is the dog.  
Arise, smug dog, and stroke the masculine armor.  
See, how he leans his butt upon his fingertip!  
O, that I were a glove upon that fingertip,  
That I might touch that butt!

**Roy:**  
O Ed, Ed! wherefore art thou Ed?  
What's in a name? That which we call a face  
By any other name would smell as fast  
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say "like a cute little puppy."  
And I will take thy word; yet if thou swear'st,  
Thou mayst prove hyperactive.

**Ed:**  
Swain, by yonder masculine armor I swear  
That tips in a chair the dirty tree--

**Roy:**  
O, swear not by the armor, the sneaky armor,  
That strongly changes in its elusive orb,  
Lest that thy love prove likewise elusive.  
Sweet, golden night! A thousand times golden night!  
Parting is such dark sorrow,  
That I shall say golden night till it be morrow.

_Exit above_

**Ed:**  
Sleep dwell upon thy butt, peace in thy fingertip!  
Would I were sleep and peace, so seductively to rest!  
randomly will I to my smug face's cell,  
Its help to stroke, and my fast face to tell.


	2. Seductive Tripping

**Seductively Tripping**

Ed tripped along strongly. He was on his way to meet his lover, Roy, for Valentine's Day. He smiled to see a dog hopping along, carrying an armor in its mouth.

Ed was almost in a chair when he came across a golden cake, lying alone on a dirty plate. "That must be a treat from my hyperactive bear," he said to himself, and tripped over to it. The cake looked elusive, so he ate it.

It gave him the most sneaky tingling sensation in his butt. "How unusual!" he said and continued tripping to see Roy.

When Roy came out to meet him, he took one look and fell over.

"What is it?" Ed cried randomly.

"Your fingertip! And your face!" Roy said. "They're smug! Can't you feel it?"

Ed felt his fingertip and his face. They were indeed quite smug. "Oh, no!" Ed said. "I'm a woman!" He, or rather, she started to cry. "It must have been that golden cake you left for me. Did you know what it would do?"

"I didn't leave you any cake," Roy said. "I got you a coconut. It must have been that dark man who lives nearby. He acts a little valiantly, ever since he stroked a tree."

"But how can you ever love me, now that I'm a woman?" Ed sobbed.

"Well, I never knew how to tell you this," Roy said lustfully, "but I actually prefer women. And I think your fingertip is really fast like that."

"Really?" Ed dried her tears. Ed kissed Roy and it was an entirely masculine sensation, like a cute little puppy.

They spent the night having entirely masculine sex, until the cake wore off suddenly.

Everything was rather awkward after that.


	3. The Sneaky Terror of the Snow

**The Sneaky Terror Of The Snow**

It snowed a foot overnight. When they woke up, Roy and Ed went out to play. First, they made snow angels. Then they had a snowball fight and Roy hit Ed in his butt with a big smug iceball. It hurt a lot, but Roy kissed it strongly and then it was all better.

Then they decided to make a snow man.

"We'll make a really dark snow man!" Roy said.

"Why don't we make a snow woman instead?" Ed said. "That would be more elusive and politically correct."

"I know," Roy said. "We can make a snow dog. That way, we don't have to worry about gender politics."

So they rolled the snow up lustfully and made a hyperactive snow dog. Roy put on a coconut for the fingertip. The dog was almost as big as Ed.

"It looks golden," Roy said seductively. "But it seems like it's missing something."

"Here," Ed said and held up a dirty armor. "I found this in a chair." He put the armor onto the dog's head.

It was perfect. For about a minute. Then the dog, even though it was just made of snow, started to move and growl like a cute little puppy.

Ed screamed randomly and ran but the snow dog chased him until he tripped over a tree root. Then the snow dog stroked him valiantly.

"Nobody does that to my little Fast Tree," Roy screamed. He grabbed an icicle and stabbed the snow dog through the face. It fell down and Roy kicked it apart until it was just a bunch of snow again.

"You saved me!" Ed said and they shared an embrace in the snow before going in for hot chocolate.

The armor lay in the yard until a masculine child picked it up and took it home.


End file.
